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Gordon Brown’s next generation game

The naughty table

The naughty table

Following the cringe-worthy show trial of the former bankers I am left increasingly annoyed at the actual outcome. Each banker treated like a pantomime villain. I half expected cries of “he’s behind you” emanating from Gordon Brown. In turn each former banker was ridiculed and made to say sorry like a naughty schoolboy. The Government unleashed a startling barrage of questions and criticisms over the complete failure of the banking system. Some deserved and many simply venting the anger shared by the British tax payer.

The banks are accused of heavily over-investing in hazardous institutions with flagrant disregard of the long term. Pumping so much money into such a toxic investment, as it is now been deemed in hindsight, has led to this systematic failure. Now we, as the tax payer are drawn even further into this situation as the Government has too invested, through spiralling borrowing, countless billions of pounds into a failing and toxic system.

Whether the bail out of the banks will be deemed as a systematic failure or resounding success will only be discovered through the magic of hindsight. If it does fail, as I am cynically afraid of, the question remains; will we see Gordon Brown and his peers sitting at a desk answering questions over blame and culpability?

This is an official extract from the committee meeting held on 10th February 2009 which unedited could easily apply to the future…

Deputy Chairman of the Committee George Mudie MP/ or possibly in the future David Cameron PM: “You are all in denial aren’t you?”

Former HBOS Chairman Lord Stevenson/ Former PM Gordon Brown: “We are not in denial. We didn’t spot scenarios coming up that have come up. Stress testing didn’t stress test adequately.”

Former HBOS Chief Executive Andy Hornby/ Former Chancellor Alistair Darling: “I don’t feel I am particularly personally culpable”.

John McFall MP/ Kenneth Clarke MP: “Then, are you expressing sympathy because your PR advisers advise you to do so?”

John Mann MP/ George Osborne MP: “You don’t like criticism do you? You don’t like it when people bring you the bad news do you? You lived for the good times but didn’t want any criticism.”

Former RBS Chief Executive Sir Fred Goodwin/ Peter Mandelson former MP: “I cannot live in denial of the facts. But I don’t accept your characterisation. I believe I have led the bank in a responsible fashion. I don’t have a track record of ignoring problems.”

PS I promise to write something much more jovial and in keeping next time


Heavy Snow across the UK a disaster of Innuendo

“Its just not fair. He’s got 8 inches and I’ve only got 4!” Its a call that has been going up and down the land the past week as people all over facebook have been confirming what they have got. But for many its a subject for despair. Its divinding the confident from the week and its even tearing couples a part “My wife said she would have stayed in bed with me if it was two or three inches more.  But she says she’s going to work instead” one man said.

Snow envy has proved a huge issue right across the UK. All the main medai outlets have been running pictures and stories from people gloating and what they’ve go and how tough it is to deal with it, while others have been saying how much fun they’ve had with theirs: ” We’ve had a great laugh and the kids have been playing with it non-stop” .

Yet for some trudging their way to work, its simply an inconvenience “I’ve barely got anything at all” one man said “I’d rather not think about it”.

Those who have been off work with their snow seem to have employed their time purely in making others feel worse by building snow men and other huge structures. A family man told me “we’ve erected a huge one and now we’ve stuck my carrot in it”. For tothers who can barely gather a small pile together, times will remain misearable until warm weather comes -“Then we’ll see how big they all are” a grumpy ginger man said


Leonard Cohen’s Christmas Wishes Come True

You’ve got to feel for Leonard Cohen, because he certainly hasn’t had things go his way over the last five or so years. The Canadian singer-songwriter and writer had probably been looking forward to a nice little retirement, quietly seeing out the rest of his days in the way that he spent most of the rest of his life.

Recognised as an introspective man capable of complex lyrics that could possibly touch on sex, religion and personal loss, or all three things at the same time, Cohen has, for right or wrong, been described many a time as the razor to cut those arteries.  Maybe this is because the man himself suffered for depression through much of his life.

Continue reading ‘Leonard Cohen’s Christmas Wishes Come True’


Downhill at 24? This boy wants more, more, more…

Today is my 24th birthday. One little year away from having ran around this giddy globe for a quarter of a century. I hadn’t given too much thought to this fact until, in recent weeks, the repetition of the phrase, “It’s all downhill from here, mate”, has caused me a snippet of distress. It’s not the words that have rattled me, rather the steely, serious stare of those who have commented, followed by a shuffling of the feet and a peer down at the floor, “I’m serious. Trust me. I know”, they all seem to warn.
Surely this can’t be so? I’m still in my ‘early’ twenties. Still racing around after young lasses. Still playing FIFA with young rascals. Still, I believe, a young man.
Having just upped sticks from familiar Manchester, moving to the bright lights of mysterious London, surely my adventure is only just commencing. Lots of tiny place names pepper my tube map. Each one awaiting a visit from me. All inviting a different expedition for a different day. The pubs, the clubs, the churches, the rivers and the tramps. I wanna see them all.
This time last year I was juggling in the doorway of a toy shop, sneering at the little scallywag kids darting around my ankles, flinging bouncy balls across my nose. Today, I’m a budding journalist. A pivotal member of the Equivalent. Possibly the most genius collection of childish oddballs in the whole of Hillingden. And I like it.
As I strolled to collect my morning paper, I bumped into around five buddies, guys and gals, all smiling, waving, wishing me a happy birthday. I felt like that chocolate fella on the Lynx adverts. But with a better moustache. A new day. A new year. It’s ever so enthralling.
So, to those who forewarn the slippery slope of the 24 year old, I say, “Nay! I am the Archbishop of ambition. My journey is at it’s onset!”
All downhill from here? Fiddlesticks. I’ve never been so bloody excited.

onwards and upwards!

onwards and upwards!


The blandest of car crashes

“Learn to see in another’s calamity the ills which you should avoid.”
Publilius Syrus
(~100 BC)

These words of wisdom are meaningless.

Today I watched another’s calamity that should have avoided me. It was 11.50am, I had just completed my journey from home to University and was in the process of locating a vacant parking position when a terrible incident occurred. It is almost unspeakable, unrepeatable. Well definitely my heated response was!

The car in front of me decided to brake, stop to a halt and then reverse into me. It was all in slow-mo, like a Nicklas Bendtner turn. I could see it happening, it was inevitable, but part of me thought it couldn’t happen, it was too ridiculous. The car just kept reversing and reversing, until it reversed too far.

I jumped out of my car in sheer panic. Could my little mincey car be damaged? Will it be OK? Will it live to live another day? I suggest if anyone is faint hearted or squeamish then they shouldn’t look at the next image as it is very graphic.

pull up to my bumper baby!!

pull up to my bumper baby!!

Now you are all probably thinking it’s only a little crack and you would be right! The driver and I have decided to settle out of court for a princely sum obtained from the cash machine outside the union. I plan to buy a new pine fragrance smelly, to mask the glove box smell and spend the rest during man hour.

As some of you may be aware I cannot give any further details regarding this incident as the matter was settled out of court under those specific terms. If any of you are interested in reading up similar legal cases I suggest looking at Cromwell v Bumpy Carriage Hemorrhoid Treatments PLC (1645) which can be found in Phil Seamen’s law book.

"The Equivalent is so full of in-jokes, it must only be funny to the authors themselves" - Keith Somerville, as quoted in Sleeveless Top Enthusiasts Weekly.


Want to get in touch with The Equivalent? Well, thank god for the boffins working behind the scenes, as they have devised an ingenious method. Simply email:

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December 2018
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