Archive for the 'Media' Category


Greenwich man ‘outcast’ after criticising The Dark Knight

A Greenwich man has been cast out of his family home after not appreciating The Dark Knight enough. The incident happened over Christmas but is only now being reported.

Brian Greene, 31, says his family have “totally gone ape” over his failure to recognise 2008’s tour de force as the greatest movie of all time.

literally the worlds greatest actor ever. Fact.

Heath Ledger: literally the world's greatest actor ever. Fact.

“I can’t understand it,” Greene said. “After Christmas dinner we usually watch a film and my cousin Milo wanted to show off his new Blu-ray player. It’s like DVD but clearer, or something.

“Anyway, my other cousin was given The Dark Knight so we stuck it on.

“But after the best part of three hours of turgid moralising and overdone set pieces I was pretty glad to see the back of it. And that was when the trouble started.

“I flicked on the light and said something like, “Wow, even Aunt June’s turkey wasn’t that dry. And why does Christian Bale have to sound like he’s gargling hammers?””

Unfortunately for Greene, his family had fallen under the spell of the innate genius of Christopher Nolan’s screenplay and Heath Ledger’s deservedly award-winning turn as The Joker. Understandably, they did not take kindly to the clearly unwarranted criticism.

“They just flipped. You want to know how I got these scars? My uncle just stared, then smashed his sherry on the table and rushed me. I fell back on my brother’s Star Wars Lego and that’s when my Gran’s pug Buster went for my face.”

Greene contrived to escape when, cowering under a table still heaving under the remnants of turkey and trimmings, his hand fell on the very pack of mini-screwdrivers he had earlier won in a cracker.

“For some reason they loved it when I threatened them. My aunt screamed I should jam it in her eye “like Heath did”. They kept coming at me. I found myself shouting “come on, I want you to do it, I want you to do it. Come on, hit me. Hit me!”

“That’s when I got the Hell out of there – I knew they wouldn’t go down without a fight, but this was different. They crossed the line”

Greene dashed to the park in a hail of pigs in blankets, but his future looks bleak.

“I’m still finding parsnips in my hair. I thought I was dead. Well, at least half. There’s no way back for me now, not unless I agree to love the film.

“I haven’t anywhere to go – I’m an outcast. Everyone’s creaming themselves over The Dark Knight. When I’m bored I usually head to the IMAX but that piece of crap is on four times a day”

Greene’s case is not an isolated incident. Many other Britons seem to have been affected by the undeniable brilliance of 2008’s highest grossing movie.

In November, a Tolworth man threatened to “blow” the Isle of Wight ferry, bellowing, “They’re talking over the same exact thing in the other boat. They’re murderers…they’ll blow us sky-high in a second”

The Dark Knight is out now on DVD and Blu-Ray. The producers have released as statement saying “anyone who chooses not to buy The Dark Knight in ALL formats is clearly homosexual”.

Cheerfully concocted by Will Nichols


New Music in 2009 already written off – go back to bed

by Jon Bye

A new year, a new age, a new president far away…and the same old here in blighty. Exciting developments in music come thick and fast (who would have thought touring would become more profitable than selling albums). But when it comes to  new artists, if you ain’t known already you can already forget the mega fame for 2009.

This comes thick on the heels of  two pieces – one article in NME(the fallen bastion of new music) and a podcast from the Guardian (the music guide for the misguided). I must note that many other people have done it, but these two publications are the most likely to be picked up. Both backed their artists to make it, most quite obvious (if Little Boots doesn’t have a good year then none of us will) but the odd obscurity (the rise north-western dub anyone?!?)

Nothing unusual in these predictions in themselves. But arguably music is in such a fragile way right now that maybe this is not the best way forward. Its almost irresponsible. If its clear who the media pages and magazines are going to be talking about for the next year (and some key writers are already fixated on their new favourite band and deperate to tell us about it), why bother doing anything then put them on advanced order and go back to bed in a credit-crunching, fuel-rising, Woolies-closing state of apathy? Because whether we want to or not, we will be hearing about these bands for the next 6 months until they finally deliver their disappointing first album, at which point we’ll fall back on the tried and tested artists’ unoriginal new album and claim its gold.

In thi economic state as well, there is little hope for breaking this pattern either. One only needs to watch the glorified pop-youth talent show , T4’s Unsigned Act, to see that the men (or women…but most likely men) with the money are still the dinosaurs from the 90’s who were playing  it incredibly safe and signing up only the artists who had the biggest buzz and the least controversy even before the credit crunch hit.

Now, I can gauge it will be even worse. Tips list of obvious bands become bibles to the casual investor, myspace becomes their billboard and the weekly music press become their whoring ground. This great bright future of music!

Continue reading ‘New Music in 2009 already written off – go back to bed’


Should a Man Enjoy The X Factor?

by Alex Dimond


The X Factor — okay for a man to like?

The X Factor — funny stuff.


As I sit here, in my comfortable yet somehow sterile room, one question of extreme importance keeps running through my head. It’s the sort of question that probably used to keep Boutros Boutros Ghali up all night, when he was UN Secretary-General.

As a man, is it alright to like The X Factor?

I know, I know — I should be focusing on more important matters, like the 3,000 word essay I need to get finished by tomorrow. But right now, as Eoghan (although everyone insists on calling him Owen) prances around the stage performing a cheeky ABBA number, I can’t help but wonder whether I should even be watching the show, let alone enjoying it.

Continue reading ‘Should a Man Enjoy The X Factor?’


Bizarre censorship hits ‘The Simpsons’

By Phil Seaman

A current topic of debate across many blogs is the idea of ‘public outrage’, and who actually gets offended by seemingly inoffensive material that has been socially acceptable for years in the past, but now sees political and media figureheads speaking out about seemingly mediocre issues. Now, another tv show has fallen victim to the PC crowd.

Not suitable for teatime TV?

The Simpsons: Not suitable for teatime TV?

Channel 4 is officially described as:

“The public service remit for Channel 4 is the provision of a broad range of high quality and diverse programming which, in particular:

  • demonstrates innovation, experiment and creativity in the form and content of programmes;
  • appeals to the tastes and interests of a culturally diverse society;
  • makes a significant contribution to meeting the need for the licensed public service channels to include programmes of an educational nature and other programmes of educative value; and
  • exhibits a distinctive character.”

The key points to take from this are ‘distinctive character’ and to show innovation, experimentation and creativity in their program making. However, over the last few years, their once cutting edge (no pun intended), irrelevant programming has become less and less relevant beside numerous reality TV programs and the occasional shockumentary.

They have now gone one step too far! A oft-repeated episode of ‘The Simpsons’ has been censored in a most ridiculous manner, presumably for fear of offending several old women in a bungalow filled with Mary Whitehouse memorabilia who still think Eric Morcambe is alive and all young people are junkie murderers.

Continue reading ‘Bizarre censorship hits ‘The Simpsons’’

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