Author Archive for Jon Clutton

13
Feb
09

Gordon Brown’s next generation game

The naughty table

The naughty table

Following the cringe-worthy show trial of the former bankers I am left increasingly annoyed at the actual outcome. Each banker treated like a pantomime villain. I half expected cries of “he’s behind you” emanating from Gordon Brown. In turn each former banker was ridiculed and made to say sorry like a naughty schoolboy. The Government unleashed a startling barrage of questions and criticisms over the complete failure of the banking system. Some deserved and many simply venting the anger shared by the British tax payer.

The banks are accused of heavily over-investing in hazardous institutions with flagrant disregard of the long term. Pumping so much money into such a toxic investment, as it is now been deemed in hindsight, has led to this systematic failure. Now we, as the tax payer are drawn even further into this situation as the Government has too invested, through spiralling borrowing, countless billions of pounds into a failing and toxic system.

Whether the bail out of the banks will be deemed as a systematic failure or resounding success will only be discovered through the magic of hindsight. If it does fail, as I am cynically afraid of, the question remains; will we see Gordon Brown and his peers sitting at a desk answering questions over blame and culpability?

This is an official extract from the committee meeting held on 10th February 2009 which unedited could easily apply to the future…

Deputy Chairman of the Committee George Mudie MP/ or possibly in the future David Cameron PM: “You are all in denial aren’t you?”

Former HBOS Chairman Lord Stevenson/ Former PM Gordon Brown: “We are not in denial. We didn’t spot scenarios coming up that have come up. Stress testing didn’t stress test adequately.”

Former HBOS Chief Executive Andy Hornby/ Former Chancellor Alistair Darling: “I don’t feel I am particularly personally culpable”.

John McFall MP/ Kenneth Clarke MP: “Then, are you expressing sympathy because your PR advisers advise you to do so?”

John Mann MP/ George Osborne MP: “You don’t like criticism do you? You don’t like it when people bring you the bad news do you? You lived for the good times but didn’t want any criticism.”

Former RBS Chief Executive Sir Fred Goodwin/ Peter Mandelson former MP: “I cannot live in denial of the facts. But I don’t accept your characterisation. I believe I have led the bank in a responsible fashion. I don’t have a track record of ignoring problems.”

PS I promise to write something much more jovial and in keeping next time

03
Feb
09

TOTAL NON-STOP ACTION

VD Blend

When my best friend said to me, “Do you fancy seeing TNA?” I thought he was suggesting taking our long standing friendship to the next naked level. However after explaining that it was a newly founded wrestling entertainment company I soon lost my initial fears and replaced them with excitement. It brought back fond childhood memories of wrestling superstars like Hulk Hogan and Jake the Snake. I am even cool enough to admit that I watched it in my late teens and early twenties. I could smell what The Rock was cooking and was hoping Wembley Arena would serve some up for me too.

Give me the finger

As we reached our seats, with comical foam finger in hand, I realised that there were definitely more adults than children. This combined with the licensed bar helped to ease the embarrassment factor and increased my confidence to shout and scream. The arena was visually stunning as the lights poured down upon the signature hexagonal ring. The action exploded as the bell sounded and I was truly in awe at the athleticism and acrobatics of both male and female professionals. Elbow drops, chops to the chops and ridiculous flips ensued. People were hit with chairs, ladders and even a mop handle. It got better as one unlucky gent got literally slammed through a table to the adoration of the crowd.

Sweaty men in my ring

The main event did not disappoint either. The famous Kurt Angle, former Olympic Champion and WWE superstar lined up against TNA founder Jeff Jarrett. The reaction of the crowd was unbelievable and action was top class. In what other sporting event can a match be decided by hitting someone around the head with a guitar?

TNA is shown on BRAVO at 9pm on Saturdays

04
Dec
08

The blandest of car crashes

“Learn to see in another’s calamity the ills which you should avoid.”
Publilius Syrus
(~100 BC)

These words of wisdom are meaningless.

Today I watched another’s calamity that should have avoided me. It was 11.50am, I had just completed my journey from home to University and was in the process of locating a vacant parking position when a terrible incident occurred. It is almost unspeakable, unrepeatable. Well definitely my heated response was!

The car in front of me decided to brake, stop to a halt and then reverse into me. It was all in slow-mo, like a Nicklas Bendtner turn. I could see it happening, it was inevitable, but part of me thought it couldn’t happen, it was too ridiculous. The car just kept reversing and reversing, until it reversed too far.

I jumped out of my car in sheer panic. Could my little mincey car be damaged? Will it be OK? Will it live to live another day? I suggest if anyone is faint hearted or squeamish then they shouldn’t look at the next image as it is very graphic.

pull up to my bumper baby!!

pull up to my bumper baby!!

Now you are all probably thinking it’s only a little crack and you would be right! The driver and I have decided to settle out of court for a princely sum obtained from the cash machine outside the union. I plan to buy a new pine fragrance smelly, to mask the glove box smell and spend the rest during man hour.

As some of you may be aware I cannot give any further details regarding this incident as the matter was settled out of court under those specific terms. If any of you are interested in reading up similar legal cases I suggest looking at Cromwell v Bumpy Carriage Hemorrhoid Treatments PLC (1645) which can be found in Phil Seamen’s law book.




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