Greenwich man ‘outcast’ after criticising The Dark Knight

A Greenwich man has been cast out of his family home after not appreciating The Dark Knight enough. The incident happened over Christmas but is only now being reported.

Brian Greene, 31, says his family have “totally gone ape” over his failure to recognise 2008’s tour de force as the greatest movie of all time.

literally the worlds greatest actor ever. Fact.

Heath Ledger: literally the world's greatest actor ever. Fact.

“I can’t understand it,” Greene said. “After Christmas dinner we usually watch a film and my cousin Milo wanted to show off his new Blu-ray player. It’s like DVD but clearer, or something.

“Anyway, my other cousin was given The Dark Knight so we stuck it on.

“But after the best part of three hours of turgid moralising and overdone set pieces I was pretty glad to see the back of it. And that was when the trouble started.

“I flicked on the light and said something like, “Wow, even Aunt June’s turkey wasn’t that dry. And why does Christian Bale have to sound like he’s gargling hammers?””

Unfortunately for Greene, his family had fallen under the spell of the innate genius of Christopher Nolan’s screenplay and Heath Ledger’s deservedly award-winning turn as The Joker. Understandably, they did not take kindly to the clearly unwarranted criticism.

“They just flipped. You want to know how I got these scars? My uncle just stared, then smashed his sherry on the table and rushed me. I fell back on my brother’s Star Wars Lego and that’s when my Gran’s pug Buster went for my face.”

Greene contrived to escape when, cowering under a table still heaving under the remnants of turkey and trimmings, his hand fell on the very pack of mini-screwdrivers he had earlier won in a cracker.

“For some reason they loved it when I threatened them. My aunt screamed I should jam it in her eye “like Heath did”. They kept coming at me. I found myself shouting “come on, I want you to do it, I want you to do it. Come on, hit me. Hit me!”

“That’s when I got the Hell out of there – I knew they wouldn’t go down without a fight, but this was different. They crossed the line”

Greene dashed to the park in a hail of pigs in blankets, but his future looks bleak.

“I’m still finding parsnips in my hair. I thought I was dead. Well, at least half. There’s no way back for me now, not unless I agree to love the film.

“I haven’t anywhere to go – I’m an outcast. Everyone’s creaming themselves over The Dark Knight. When I’m bored I usually head to the IMAX but that piece of crap is on four times a day”

Greene’s case is not an isolated incident. Many other Britons seem to have been affected by the undeniable brilliance of 2008’s highest grossing movie.

In November, a Tolworth man threatened to “blow” the Isle of Wight ferry, bellowing, “They’re talking over the same exact thing in the other boat. They’re murderers…they’ll blow us sky-high in a second”

The Dark Knight is out now on DVD and Blu-Ray. The producers have released as statement saying “anyone who chooses not to buy The Dark Knight in ALL formats is clearly homosexual”.

Cheerfully concocted by Will Nichols


"The Equivalent is so full of in-jokes, it must only be funny to the authors themselves" - Keith Somerville, as quoted in Sleeveless Top Enthusiasts Weekly.


Want to get in touch with The Equivalent? Well, thank god for the boffins working behind the scenes, as they have devised an ingenious method. Simply email:


Job offers always go down particularly well

January 2009
« Dec   Feb »

%d bloggers like this: