The Future


Over a good few snifters of brandy in the gentleman’s club yesterday evening, the distinguished Sir William Nichols and I found ourselves deep in animated discussion. Matters of great import, you understand. Stocks and shares, war in the colonies, moustache cultivation, that sort of thing. Affairs of the day. All of a sudden our merry banter was interrupted by the crass blasting of the television. I adjusted my monocle and what should I see in the garish glow but the latest promotional reel from Girls Aloud, the popular cabaret combo and thinking man’s crumpet. Naturally the very sight of these fawning sirens stirred my loins most inconveniently, but it also led me to speculate on where such ravishing backstreet beauties might find themselves two decades hence…

Let us begin with Nadine, Belfast’s finest. Slender, doe-eyed, almost alien. After the hits dry up and she has been entirely remoulded in plastic – her face contorted into a deranged grimace from one too many poisonous injections – the poor creature will be fit only for a life of hermitry as a mad recluse. Whether this means she’ll consign herself to a decaying mansion on Sunset Boulevard, an abandoned theme park or a remote isle off the icy wastes of Sweden, who can say? What is for sure is that there’s a fitting symmetry here. She was pieced together from old ideas by Mr Cowell – that most modern Prometheus – and will promptly be cast back as disfigured and mangled as her accent into the obscurity from whence she came. A bleak prognosis yes, but the classic morality tale for all those who sign a pact with the devil in high trousers.

I feel certain that fate will smile (slightly) more favourably on her compatriots, however. The ginger jaffa will doubtless capitalise on her startling resemblance to the young Cilla Black and dredge up that hoariest of old chestnuts, Blind Date, for an inevitable revivial. Needs must I suppose. Lads-periodicial stalwart Sarah Harding will in turn burn clean through her nasal septum snorting sherbert for slot machine change. She’ll be left with little more than the odd Loose Women appearance and Iceland commercial to make ends meet and will be seen in later years roaming the streets, punching paparazzi, muttering incoherently and swigging White Lightning before collapsing in an underpass, doused in a pool of her own tears. Magnificent. And dear Kimberly, shovelling haddock in a fish-and-chip emporium in small town West Yorkshire, forgotten, but not actually too sorry for it.

Cheryl Cole though is another matter. World domination beckons for that little piece of Tyneside tartlet. Having cut lose her hapless shag hound of a husband, a prominent solo career will ensue where she displays a surprising apptitude for the Jacques Brel songbook. Avant-garde experimental noise records with Steve Albini follow, as does her silver screen debut in a remake of Jules et Jim opposite Seth Rogen and Chris Tucker. Oscars, Grammies and a second-term Team Obama vice presidential candidacy crown her achievements. Yes, things are going pretty swimmingly for the one-time X Factor judge. That is, until she is assassinated while being driven around Dallas in a campaign Cadillac. The shooter? That nightclub toilet attendant she beat up all those years ago. What goes around comes around my dear…


7 Responses to “The Future”

  1. 1 philseaman
    December 5, 2008 at 13:26

    I wonder if this blog can be sued for deformation? We’re about to find out!

  2. 2 alexdimond
    December 5, 2008 at 13:50

    I believe the defence of fair comment might be a bar to any defamation case in this instance (it is an honestly held opinion, isn’t it joe?!), although I am not about deformation…

  3. 3 joesommerlad9
    December 5, 2008 at 14:03

    Oh yes this is very much an honestly held opinion. Also I have removed the words “chlamydia”, “vomit, “urine”, “harlot” and “sphincter” from the original draft so I think we should be fine. And for a man who’s devoted his life to opposing censorship in all its forms that wasn’t an easy step to take. I certainly don’t think I’ve deformed Girls Aloud, although naturally I’d relish the opportunity to do so should it arise

  4. 4 joeshervin
    December 5, 2008 at 15:25

    I actually quite like the ginger one…

  5. 5 joesommerlad9
    December 5, 2008 at 16:58

    Offending phrase removed with apologies

  6. 6 willnichols
    December 5, 2008 at 17:03

    I’m just delighted I’ve seemingly bagged a knighthood without suffering through all that tedious community work

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